Big Mistake?
July 31st, 2008Dear Dude,
I have been playing in a recently signed full time touring band since April and recently thought of quitting. This was due to not making any money, having rough things going on at home, gear messing up…etc. Pretty much the standard rigors of touring. All the other dudes in the band have been playing together since they were sixteen and the reason I was chosen to play with them is because I was a close friend and could tour and handle the material. Their guitarist that I replaced can’t tour and has a college career, but still is friends with all of the guys and writes the majority of the material in the band. As a quick background on me, you should know I’ve been playing in about 3-4 bands over the last 7 years, mainly leaving bands because the people I’m in them with have drug problems, money issues, weird personalities. I’ve always moved on because I want this to be my career and with this band I thought I had finally found something that works. I brought them a Trailer, GPS, paid the van insurance since I joined, learned their songs quickly, rearranged my life and school (I go to college online now) and even moved closer so I could work with them. On the day that I said I didn’t know if I could do the band anymore, I had all of the normal tour problems plus they told me their old guitarist back home who is not touring will be recording their next record, so most likely the only money I would see from the band at all was the recording budget we didn’t use to be split up between band members and I wasn’t even going to see that. The other guitarist who is the unspoken leader of the band told me that it was a stupid move and I countered with that I could go play for other bands, because I’m a decent guitarist. I want to stay in THIS band though. He and the band took it as I was doing them a favor and taking what they gave me for granted. I stupidly then said that he doesn’t understand because he’s not the best guitar player and therefore couldn’t go to another band easily. BIG MISTAKE DUDE! So now he wants me out of the band and I’m pretty much stuck here on tour with them while they hate my guts. I didn’t mean it the way it was said, but it was still said regardless. Is there any way I can repair this band? Should I move on? I don’t want to lose friends most of all but cant help but feeling a bit screwed. And at the same time I feel like I shouldn’t have said such cruel things to my friends who gave me an opportunity. Help me dude!
Thanks,
Big Mistake?
Dear Big Mistake?,
Damn, shit can get hot on tour can’t it? Man if there is anyone who knows how to cut into you, it’s your band mates. Being in a band full time means you’re forced to deal with your band members full time. When you’re out there living on tour, grinding it out, you will learn all of your band mates’ weaknesses and neuroses. And although this dude is actually professionally trained in communication skills I still find myself in these types of situations all the time. Bands are like mini family units made of mostly brothers, and brothers do like to take the piss out of each other, and then some. With this in mind you will find yourself on both ends of some dirty comments. Its important to acknowledge that these things will happen and it’s also important to acknowledge that you may be at fault some of the time (how much, well that’s up to you). Its from the base of acknowledging that these altercations can and will happen that you must draw both patience and perspective in order to look at your problem in a way that will move you in a positive direction towards working things out.
Dude, you have yourself a bit of a mess. It sounds like the family structure of the band is all messed up. I have never seen a band have separate touring/writing members (some designated for touring others designated for only recording and writing) and do it successfully. That’s not to say it hasn’t happened, but in my 15 years or so of experience I have never seen it work, not once. Really the band needs to choose between you and the other member who is at home/college, but its obvious they have chosen that member over you, if they are planning on having that member write and record the next record anyway.
In this situation I think it’s in your best interest to bow out. You do have a history of flopping around bands so you should do some soul searching. Do you jump ship whenever it gets hard for bands? I mean all those “standard rigors of touring” are not going to change, they are constant and you will almost always be up against them in one form or another (shit it will probably get even worse!). Ask yourself, is there something about the way I interact with band members that has you jumping bands? You mention drugs and money which are always two ingredients needed to fuck a band up, so chances are you’re probably making the right move each time. It’s just always good to self check yourself. Is there something you can do in future that will make the inter-band dynamics better? You have to be able to ask yourself these questions as well as answer them if you’re hoping to grow as an artist, band member, and person.
It’s understanding (although not in your best interest) why you attacked your band mate (other guitarist) when he confronted you with the fact that the other member would be recording the record. Shit you could have been having the worst day on tour ever and then your boy drops this shit on you, it’s enough to make anyone say some dumb shit in defense. Of course it’s the dumb shit you said that will make it hard for you to see a return on the money you had invested in the band (IE trailer, GPS, etc).
Lets look at a more productive way to solve this problem. You need to communicate clearly! By the way your write this letter it reads like your on tour. Tour is the best place to resolve differences like this actually. It forces you and the other band members to interact as well as have to communicate, this means you have to at least find some sort of comfortable resolution so you can play shows night after night and not want to kill each other on stage. I would get the guitarist (unspoken leader) alone and speak with him one on one. You have to tell him that you understand that you made a mistake and shouldn’t have said you were not longer into the band. You should then apologize for saying that he was not a good enough guitarist. I mean this is petty but its good to acknowledge that you are sorry because right or wrong you definitely shouldn’t say shitty things to your dudes.
After you have apologized say that you understand your not working out in the band and that its clear they would rather work with the other guitarist who is not committed enough to the band to tour full time (that’s their loss). You have to convince him (the other guitarist) that the fair thing to do is at least compensate you for the time you have spent on tour and the other items you have purchased for the band. Now chances are there is no profit from tour, lets face it most of the time there just isn’t. This doesn’t however mean that the band should not pay you back for the trailer, GPS, and back insurance. Those are both separate business expenses that transcend the use of just one tour and therefore you should in all fairness be entitled to full reimbursement for these items. Tell the guitarist that you agree to fulfill any commitments that the band has already, you cant ask for your money back and then cut off their way to make money by leaving. Its really important that you stress that you care about what’s fair and that you care about making things right. I promise if you show you are willing to help them out by helping the band survive they will in turn reflect that by eventually paying you back. Oh did I mention it may take a bit of time to get money (especially for something as big as a trailer)? That’s ok, its just the nature how bands work financially, they are broke most the time.
After you have had your sit down with the (unspoken) leader of the band your going to have to talk to the other members. Again its good to talk to them when they are alone, each person acts differently to stuff like this so its good to have these type of conversations one on one. You need to reiterate to all the members that your not pissed, you are bummed you have to leave the band, but your going to man up have fun on what’s left of the tour and make sure they are taken care of so that they can take care of you.
Is there any way you can repair this band? Probably not, but its not impossible. I have seen bands bounce back from some pretty insane fights. One of the nice things about arguing like brother is that usually shit can be dropped or squashed easily. Most of the time band members grow thick skin to protect themselves and that’s kind of a must for tour life. But I think the real question is your second, Should I move on? In summery, yes I think you should move on. It just seems too unhealthy and unorganized. Its not worth putting all the time and effort to grow a band if your not writing, recording, or at least participating in the musical side of the bands life. In addition, you may be good friends with the band mates but its really not worth putting yourself through the emotional roller coaster of being in a band if they would still rather have someone else write and perform on the record.
Move on take your ambition and find a band that is ready to focus on touring, recording, and playing shows, that’s where all you and your band mates attention should be right now anyway. Good Luck out there.
The Dude
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